my chaotic life

so yah I am complaining.. But I just need to write this out or i will become crazy. Ermm. Now that sounds dramatic. No, really. I keep distracting myself from one thing I really care about. Not that I don't care about other things. Well, let just keep that to myself shall we. What I really want to write about is how I ended up forgetting everyone else that I also care. I got way too caught up with my life and I forgot that there are others who really care and love me. I forgot to appreciate their unconditional love.

I forgot to call my mother on her birthday. I already skipped wishing her on Mother's day. And now I missed her birthday. I know she was so sad when she had to remind me that her birthday was days ago. And the worst part is, I didn't even realize I forgot my mum's birthday until she reminded me. I feel like the worst daughter in the world.

My mum's reaction huh??

She was so cool about it. She could laugh when she reminded me I forgot her birthday. But I know she was really sad about it. And that is just how great my mother is. She never makes a big deal when there are stuff in her life hurts her. But still, I know she was so sad. I feel so bad about it.

I did not forget my mum completely though. I actually bought her a handbag and a watch for her birthday weeks ago. But being an idiot as I always be, I completely forgot  to wish her ON her birthday.

I know its really unforgivable. And I really sucks in apologizing. But I hope I can make it up to her when I go back in about two weeks. And speaking about that, I haven't booked my ticket to the airport yet. Urrrgghh. Too many things that haven't been done.

I love my mum for who she is. But being the usual me, I keep hurting every single one person that I love.

And I know my mum loves me. Thanks for your unconditional love mum. No matter how many time I disappointed her, she will always be there when I need her.

the heartless me.(world doesn't revolve around you, hon)

This is just a random list of things that keep bothering me. This is not a self pity list. I just need to write this out  because I am not that kind of girl who has BFF to talk to. Well I kinda have one. But I don't really talk to her the way we used to. So yeah. Here's the list.

*I know I am a bad person, but I can't help it. I keep hurting everyone who loves me. (and loved me) And yeah. I keep hurting myself too.
* I am way too selfish to just walk away when I am not needed.
* Sometimes I think I don't deserve to feel even an ounce amount of happiness. (I'm not so stupid. I know happiness is uncountable and can't be measured. I just mean it figuratively) Everytime I feel happy, bad things keep coming back to me. And by bad things I mean all the unfortunate things happen to me, my family, and people I care about.
* Sometimes I feel the world is better off without me. Suicidal thought huh?? Don't worry. I am a coward that I wouldn't dare to hurt myself. Ermm. Maybe. and talking about suicidal, my friend and I were almost crushes by a high speed double decker bus in one of the most amazing cities in the world. (I will write abou that trip later) And that was due to lack of skill to cross the road. So if you have children, please equipped them with superb skill of road crossing.

There is so much to write. But I have to go now to do some routine stuff.

p/s pardon the grammar and the horrible writing and all the complaints. I know its really crap stuff that I am writing.

till then,
XOXO